I am here in Winnipeg..this is not where I projected myself to be at "49" but who knows where they'll be at "49"! Oh, let me correct myself..I am only 48 at this point! So perhaps that is why I didn't project this..chuckle!
I spend my time, reading articles, reading books, listening to mediation, trying and failing at yoga, going to exercise, walking, petting my dog, listening earnestly to CBC....and yet, I continue to wonder...what the !@#$ am I doing at almost 49! Perhaps I'll never figure it out, but I'll sure have fun trying....
So let's take a look at where I am at...just so you know....as my father's family has always said, "How do you know where you are going, if you don't know where you've been!". The biggest question my family will ever ask you if you visit my foundation, Manitoulin Island, is "where are you from?"
This may be a long blog but I'll try.
I was born "Sandra Jane Runnalls" and from the beginning my mother knew I'd be called Sandy so who knows why she picked Sandra. I think it's because in 1961 it was the thing to do -- be formal! Apparently my brother Scott was though later a man of very few words, started out very upset with life....he was breast fed and no soother....again, what one did at that time -- 1960! He was taken for drives at night to soothe him and nothing worked. As a result of this wildness, I was a bottle fed and soother consoled baby (of course I never found this out until I had my own children....I think it has significance but I'm not sure why!).
So my brother Scott and I, 18 months apart, were raised on Barrie Island, Manitoulin Island....when we went to school it was a one room school house with 19 students total from Grades 1 to 8. I tease my students now that "everything you know, you learned in Kindergarten" and "that is why I'm a bumbling idiot, because I didn't go to Kindergarten!" No, there was nothing of the sort on Barrie Island. We young'uns were let out at 2:30 and the older students at 4:00 pm. We could walk home which we often did wishing for a 'magic carpet' to take us gliding down the hill...it never came by the way...or we could play picking strawberries, making plays up, running around the schoolyard until 4pm when the bus came. We did alot of school work on the board. Brad, Barb and I were in Grade 1 and brother Scott and cousin Linda in Grade 2....we were a close unit! When I was in Grade 2 my cousin Glen was in Grade 1 alone...so the 3 grades were close. It was after that point we went into town....play dramatic music!
Yes, it was not anything abusive but on the other hand it was...rural vs. urban. You may chuckle but town was urban at the time. Even though I came from a 'City Mom'....I still was intimidated by the kids in town. They were formidable and formed who I was throughout my school years until I left my home. I remember teasing, I remember intimidation, I remember abuse...I remember my training bra being placed up in the air in gym class...but most of all, I remember thinking I am not worthy! Ironically most of those bullies have had their own traumas since -- far worse then mine at the time -- but one doesn't see that when one is experiencing these things!
So I went thru life in town and onto High School and then did the logical thing of university....logical for my family but not logical for all the friends I grew up with! Before I left for uni I met my husband now....yes, we are one of those weird couples who actually worked. Met in high school..he went off to military college...and we worked...26 1/2 years later..here we are...don't ask me the formula...it worked...my kids are almost all past the age of where we were when we married...and I'm glad they are figuring out their own paths....I now look back on all of this and think....how did we know this was right? Of course we didn't know...and maybe that was a good thing! chuckle!
So onto university where my world was busted wide open and following that, marrying Jim, where my world was busted even more wide open, including living overseas. The irony of all of this is that wherever I have lived, or whoever I have met....the foundation I rec'd on my home turf which is Manitoulin Island....that is who I am! You can place me anywhere in the world and I believe you can place Jim anywhere in the world and our morals and values and rules for life are the same! It's that metaphor about 'playing in the sandbox'.
This is what I believe and it doesn't always hold true, I'm the first to admit:
1) Most of the population don't get it!
Now I'm not being arrogant here...but it's true! It's not that I get it all...but I do get enough of it that I watch many around me floundering, not achieving, making excuses, ignoring what's important, losing their health, jeopardizing their spirituality....just not 'in the game'! So how do we fix this? If you have an answer, I'd love to hear it! I spend so much time analyzing this...knowing full well that I'm not evolved either...but at least I'm trying...so many just aren't! Man!
2) If I think someone should react someway, chances are they will react the opposite?
Why is that? Why is it that when I go home to the island, people totally get what I mean, but out in the world, I might as well be speaking a different language? I just don't know! Is it that 'the island' speaks its own language? Is it that I am in my own cotton baton world that is protected and doesn't see where people are coming from? Or is it what Jim, my hubby has said to me many times, "Sandy you are too Deep!" Could it be that? Now I don't want you to think that I'm thinking I am 'holier then thou'...I just go beyond surface layers...and maybe that is not good for many!
3) I once had a young woman in my church in Winnipeg say that everything she learned, she learned at our church (Westworth United) -- e.g. everyone wants to be fed, events need hands to set them up and take them down; all hands need to be 'on deck'. That really resonated with me as that is how I was raised. If there is something to be done, where is it, and let's get at it! What do we need to do, how much time, how many people, and then how do we take it down! The faster we get at it, the sooner it'll be done. I remember my Mom saying it was too bad when Dishwashers were invented as it was a time when people visited...you did the dishes, you chatted about life...so true!
3) It doesn't matter how many new things I face, I still love the 'known'. Ask Jim. I hate unknowns. Most would not believe this with me following Jim around the continent and even overseas and seeing him go thru different jobs and locations -- I don't love new! Yes, I'm glad I've been pushed but I don't love it! I love my farm, my island, my family....and ironically I appreciate them more because he has pushed me!
4) It doesn't matter how much formal education or world education I have achieved -- I am learning every moment, every day from my 3 children! And for that, I will always be blessed and thankful! I can't even imagine having the courage they all have in what they do, what they feel and what they emphatically believe! They stand up for their morals and values! They hold high their sense of family and they make their father and I proud every second of every single day! I just can't imagine having the 'balls' to feel, do and experience, what they do at their ages! I'm still figuring it out at 'Almost 49' and they are 23, 22 and 19! Wow! I am in awe of them and I am learning from them. Just simply Wow!
5) When people are in trouble, we make a casserole! How true is that? Rural People know what to do when people are in need! I shouldn't say just Rural People as in Winnipeg, the city knows what to do as it has a 'rural attitude'! People here know how to react in times of trouble. I love that! I love that I don't have to say anything when I tell people here how I am feeling..even if they don't get it, they try to get it or maybe they even pretend to get it....but it sure feels great on this end! I am not a Winnipeger...I don't pretend to be....when I do things like go to the "Truth and Reconciliation Concert" I am told that I do that because I'm not a Winnipeger....I am told I do things because I'm not from here...I go to see the Olympic Torch come thru the City...I go to see the play "Strike"....maybe I do it because I am doing things when I can and they all know they are here forever....but they still respect me for this...I appreciate what I am learning and seeing...I am not staying here forever....and others are here their whole lives and many generations to come. I love a good "Manitoba Social"...I am amazed at the fact that generations ago people came here to settle this wild and crazy prairie...and when it is minus 50 in the winter (with the windchill) I think about those people; I also think about the war brides who arrived out here after meeting those handsome soldiers in London and now they are a Prairie Bride...and so much more I'll talk about in the future I'm sure....for some reason I am closer to the Canadian Pioneer Experience since I moved to Manitoba 7 years ago.....I don't know why....maybe because Ontario is older....so I didn't feel as close although my family only came to Ontario in the mid-late 1800's....for some reason I feel it here...and it vibrates to my inner soul! How did they do it? How they survive? Why didn't they run screaming into the winter's night! Just amazing!
I think I am done for now.....there are so many more things to discuss...but they will come...the one thing I will not do is pressure myself to come back to this so often that it becomes a chore.
I remember hearing an interview with "Denzel Washington and Oprah"....Denzel said he accomplished so much more when "he got out of his own way!" I'm attempting to do that here....and so I go on...."I have no idea what I am doing at almost 49....but I sure hope this helps figure it out..or at least keep me sane....xoYWG Mom/Sam
